Hope for Restoration...

...is the title given in my Bible to Isaiah 35.  It seems appropriate as a source of hope in the midst of brokenness and loss.

Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days.
The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses.
Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy!
The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon,
as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon.
There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God.
With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands,
and encourage those who have weak knees.
Say to those with fearful hearts,
"Be strong, and do not fear, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies.
He is coming to save you."
And when he comes, he will open the eyes of the blind and unplug the ears of the deaf.
The lame will leap like a deer, and those who cannot speak will sing for joy!
Springs will gush forth in the wilderness, and streams will water the wasteland.
The parched ground will become a pool, and springs of water will satisfy the thirsty land.
Marsh grass and reeds and rushes will flourish where desert jackals once lived.
And a great road will go through that once deserted land.
It will be named the Highway of Holiness.
Evil-minded people will never travel on it.
It will be only for those who walk in God's ways; fools will never walk there.
Lions will not lurk along its course, nor any other feroucious beast.
There will be no other dangers.  Only the redeemed will walk on it.
Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.
They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy.
Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness.

Maybe Moses really is my hero afterall!

So much on my mind...we've been reading Exodus, so that's one thing.  (Other than that, I'm also thinking about the Giants going to the World Series, and how to approach Day of the Dead and Halloween celebrations in this city that is now my home)...but I'll stick to Moses for today.

So,  I've been told that letting my kids negotiate with me is not a good idea, and I think I actually agree with that....it sounds right - they need to learn to respect my limits y punto!  Right?

"Do what I say, when I say it, or there will be consequences."

"Kids need to know what to expect when they break the rules."

Yes, yes, I agree.  Especially with the idea that kids need to know that there is a force stronger than themselves - most immediately, their parents.  The thing is, my kids actually push that one as far as seems humanly possible.  They are REALLY strong willed - one is more in my face about it, the other is what some would call "passive-agressive"  but as we enter the world of the tweens - it seems they are CONSTANTLY testing the limits.

When I lay down the law - their "go to" response is to try to negotiate with me. Voices in my head tell me I shouldn't let them do that...easier said than done.  More often than I would like to admit I find myself actually hearing them out, and even adjusting their consequences due to their clever arguments (they really are smart, those two!).  Now, don't get the idea that we sit at a table and calmly talk things through - there is often a lot of shouting involved - and even slammed doors... sometimes I feel like I am really blowing it and my kids are going to grow up to be horrible human beings.  Eventually, sometimes, these shouting matches can evolve, through a lot of energy on my part mostly, into a calmer conversation - and we can come to some agreement that allows us to move on relatively peaceably.  Sometimes it is simply "kick and scream all you want but this is the way it's going to be because I'm the mom and that's that."  So please don't think I let my kids walk all over me...although close observers may think that anyway. 

So this is what brings me to Moses - and to God.  In Exodus chapters three & four - God comes to him in the power of a burning bush - and tells him to do something very specific.  Moses does not simply obey - but begins to negotiate.  Of course, we point to Moses and say - he should have simply obeyed - our goal is to trust God - that is what God wants...He wants us to trust Him - that is why He told Moses that he would know he had done the right thing once it was all over and they were back at this very place of encounter with God.   That takes a lot of faith - more than Moses had.  He needed something more - even more than a burning bush type sign.  A rod that turns into a snake..and...a hand that can turn to leprosy and back again at the flap of a cloak...nope - still not enough.  He wanted to negotiate still.  Did God say "because I am God, and that's that....do it!"  Well, he sort of did, but Moses still tried to negotiate - and God listened.  God actually got angry (sound familiar, parents?)  but he did negotiate with Moses by suggesting that Aaron go along.  God's goal to deliver his people was accomplished, but Moses still had a long way to go in learning to trust God. 

So, maybe I'm not such a bad mother when I listen to my kids' protests...maybe allowing them to negotiate sometimes, although it doesn't bring about the immediate and "best" result - accomplishes something else that is really important.  Something about how we relate to each other - and learning how to do that well...as they get older, I suppose more negotiation will be necessary.  It is a tricky balance - teaching them to respect my authority and allowing them to behave the way Moses did with God...I'm not at all sure that I'm anywhere near finding that perfect balance. I sure am glad for grace!

Followers?

I didn't even notice that I had "followers" until after my last post - but it did cause me to go back and edit what I had written.  (Lucky you if you caught the unedited version :)

Speaking of editing, I've been published - under my new name which won't even be official until November 18.  My article, written for consp!re magazine (http://www.conspiremagazine.com/), is no longer recognizable to me as my words after all the editing (just a part of the process, and yes, I did participate in this process).  Thankfully, I do still recognize the story as my own. 

What is this need to speak (or write) and be heard (or read)?  A desire to connect?  To be understood?  I'm not sure, but I do feel more articulate when I write...and the keyboard provides the fluidity of thought that pen to paper lacks.  I actually prefer the pen to paper, though, the rawness and permanence, the sensory aspect, the stark contrast of the black ink on white. 

I used fountain pens for a long time, and the messiness of the time when my pen (pluma it is called in Spanish - same word for feather) finally "gave up the ghost" so impressed me that I took a picture and entitled it "death of a pen".  A fair amount of pain had flowed from my heart to my head, working itself through the muscles in my hand and arm, and out the tip of my pen leaving it's marks on page after page - some of which have never been read again, but are kept closely guarded and pressed together upon my shelves.  And then the pen bled out - it was like the the breaking of water finally giving birth to new life.  I tend to attach symbolic meaning to events like this - and it did happen to be the same month (june 2009) I signed divorce papers after three years of waiting, hoping, praying, fasting, and struggling for the reconciliation and restoration of my marriage.  It died anyway.  But death brings new life - that's what our faith is all about. 

Love is...

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."
 (Mumford & Sons)

As I approach my "over the hill" 40th birthday - having weathered plenty of tears and heartbreak - I desire to walk with grace and flowers in my hair...

Today I cried...

O.K.  so it's been a while since I've written anything.  The intensity of the Valle Nuevo reflections, as well as an article I wrote for Conspire! magazine (due out tomorrow, I think) sort of depleted me (in terms of writing)for a while.... but then there is the pain - and somehow that is what gets my juices flowing.  I really love what what Over the Rhine has to say about pain in their song "Nobody Number One"

And though we love to numb the pain
We come to learn that it's in vain
Pain is our mother
She makes us recognize each other 

Somehow this really resonates with me, and there seems to be a lot of pain around me lately.  My mother is in pain from terminal cancer.  As the tumor grows, what are the possible complications? I ask the doctor. The pain will get worse.  That's not really something I want to hear.

Then there is the pain of watching people we love making poor choices and hurting other people we love.  This is what brought me to tears today...and I can only hope that my own tears will lessen the pain, even to the smallest degree, of those hurting around me.

It hurts to see pain that I can do nothing about.  And it messes with my head and this notion that we should try to relieve suffering - if suffering is what brings us closer to God, why would we want to minimize it?  But we do - and I do - especially as I see it in others.  In retrospect, however, I do not desire to minimize my own pain of the past, for it is an important part of what has made me who I am - and, for the most part, I have embraced the person I have grown to be. 

To quote another song (this one, "The Cave" from Mumford & Sons) 

I'll find strength in pain.

My counselor once told me that I exude strength - I guess the pain I have experienced is a part of that.