Well....statistically speaking, 20% "DFS" - ("disease free survival") which means there is an 80% chance that I will experience a recurrence of the cancer that so "rudely" (as at least 2 of my loved ones put it) invaded my abdomen, taking up residency and growing beyond anything that I could have EVER imagined. I was fully expecting to be confronted with some very hard decisions after my video visit with the very personable Dr. Brian Schulte (sarcoma medical oncologist at UCSF). Even with all visible traces of the cancer removed in what has been described by Dr. Schulte as a "heroic, incredible" surgery - that 20/80 probability ratio still applies. As the standard chemo that had been previously described to me sounded super toxic and grueling, I had been making mental calculations around the question: How would my chances improve with treatment? Turns out, I didn't even have to ask that question because there isn't data to suggest that chemotherapy would provide any significant improvement in my "chances" with this particular type of cancer and Dr. Schulte is recommending only surveillance at this time, NO CHEMO (YAY!) 🤗.
There is, of course, a sobering side to this news, but mostly it is a RELIEF to leave it all in the hands of God - no decisions required on my part! I'm eager to be RELEASED to focus on healing/recovery and planning without the looming threat of debilitating treatment. I'll need to get CT scans every 3 months for now, and Dr. Schulte has referred me to the Comprehensive Cancer Center at UC Davis in Sacramento for follow-up, which I am also very grateful for. UC Davis is only an hour and a half (rather than 3 hour) drive from home. He also has ordered a consult with radiation oncology in case they have any further recommendations.
So that's about the sum of it. Trusting God for complete and continued healing, an answer to our "one and done" prayer. So what's next? Not sure if I'll write much more here unless there is news. I definitely have some deep reflections brewing but not all of those have quite made their way to the surface just yet. They leak out in tears - mostly of the Joy of Jesus that is my strength - and at the tiniest little provocation. Like yesterday....as I looked up at the pine trees towering above our walk in the woods - there's a section of the trail we call the "wardrobe" because the smaller cedars crowd the trail on each side just as I have always imagined the entrance to Narnia. Looking up beyond the tops of the cedars to the much higher pine peaks - I simply could not fathom or even accept that we are the "owners" of those trees. How can anyone OWN something that majestic? And yet, they are a gift that I have been granted for this time to enjoy and call home. It is more like THEY are the owners of this place . . . we are just passing through and they will likely remain beyond my stay here.
RELIEF VS. RELEASE
It is hard to know how to ask for prayer moving forward. Do we simply trust that God has healed? Do we continue to lay our plea before the throne each day that the cancer not return? Do we rest in the grace and goodness of each new day? Yes to all this and more. I will leave this task of discernment and prayer to you, between you and the Creator, the Lover of your soul. This morning I read in 2 Timothy how Paul prayed for his young disciple: "without ceasing....I remember you night and day in my prayers". (chapter 1 verse 4). Is the power of prayer measured in the length or the strength or the frequency of the words or the hours spent or the thickness of the callouses on our knees? I would propose that the power comes in surrender to the outcome and blessings that God has in store - regardless of our our expressed desires - God promises to give us the desires of our heart, which sometimes we cannot articulate or even understand until the answer comes. This is the true miracle, the magnitude of which is far greater than any 40 pound tumor or the weight of our fears.
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