It seems the time has come to connect folks to this space as a way of staying updated. On December 15 an ultrasound and follow-up CT scan discovered a football sized tumor in my abdomen, pressing against many of my organs and partially encasing my left kidney. A few months ago I had noticed and became concerned with the volume of my upper abdomen growing in unusual ways - and a hardness on my left side, a little fullness and general discomfort - but in general no pain. It wasn't until November, at my first in-person doctor visit since the pandemic, that I mentioned this and I was referred for some imaging.
Now I am preparing for surgery on January 18. I'm gonna stick with the "football - not a fan" title of this website, though the surgeon said "more like a basketball" - it's definitely not round. They will do their best to remove the tumor and it is possible that I will lose a kidney, my spleen, and part of my colon. The surgery will likely take 6-7 hours at Zuckerberg San Francisco General Hospital and I will likely have a 10 day hospital stay. I won't be able to drive for another 6 weeks after that. Though I now live in Calaveras County (three hours from SF) I was in the midst of transferring my care closer to home when this tumor was discovered, right before the holidays - so it seemed best to continue with what was set in motion with a surgical team there since this is a time-sensitive matter. I am scheduled for a visit with an oncologist in SF on February 9 and at that point hope to discuss the possibility of transitioning to care closer to home.
So, in the meantime, pieces are falling into place for a care plan for me. My father will be flying in from Texas so that he and Jason can take turns "holding down the fort" so to speak here at the house, caring for our dog, the house, and property and readying things for my return and recovery - and having someone close by in SF during my hospital stay. My son, Mateo will also be coming from Southern California to help with those rotations during part of that time.
ONE BIG NEED: A "home base" with minimal human contact close to the hospital in San Francisco - preferably ground floor, starting on Sunday, January 16, most likely through the end of the month until I can be set up here at home. The COVID case counts in SF are really high at the moment (vaccinated and unvaccinated alike), and it is essential that I not test positive for COVID before my surgery, and after surgery, if they do remove my spleen, I will be severely immunocompromised - thus the request for minimal human contact. We will be looking into an AirBnB option - but this will likely be expensive, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to see what might be available and affordable through my networks/community/family (all ya'll Bay Area folks reading this).
So this is feeling a little long, and I wanted to offer up a poem that I wrote the last week of December when we had 13 inches of snow on the ground.
This weighted blanket of snow holds me still
until my restless heart settles into a deep steady rhythm
in sync with my breath. . . .
Can the beat of my heart match the Father's in this warm embrace?
I wonder if this is what heaven is like
up to our knees in deep powdery snow
minus the bite of the cold
but filled with the joy of exploration
snowball throwing
snowman building
snow angel making
I can't really feel this tumor inside me and I wonder if I am already there.
This place feels almost perfect . . .
and if I never leave it, I will only sorrow for the souls I will never meet again.
The angels are watching, rooting for us, I suppose,
to find that entrance into goodness - a place where anxiety may cease.
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