I know God loves me, and wants my undivided devotion. I know this because whenever something threatens to, or has become an idol in my life - God removes it from me - either temporarily or permanently. This sort of sucks - because whatever had become the apple of my eye, the thing I delight in the most in the day to day - is suddenly gone. God then asks "What about ME?" If my delight is truly in Jesus, then the loss of these other things shouldn't sting so much! But because they do, I know, that I have placed too much value on them. Don't get me wrong. I don't have trouble delighting in God. My time spent in devotion (in the form of scripture, reading, prayer, silence, music....among other things) is a lifeline for me. Without this I whither. I did not experience devotion to God in this way until after I became a mother to my twin boys. I felt so overwhelmingly inadequate, and they demanded so much of my energy - without giving much life in return - that the time I spent alone with God ceased to feel like a discipline. It became so absolutely essential - like the water I drink each day.
In general I love to drink water - at least I used to when the water in my tap came directly from a pure mountain spring. California tap water doesn't quite measure up - but San Francisco is better than most. Even so, even when I had such ready access to such sweet water, even though I really enjoy drinking water, I have always struggled to drink enough. I don't even know why I forget to drink water - perhaps it is the busyness of my day to day. I haven't incorporated it into my routine. I don't feel the immediate effects of thirst and dehydration when I don't get enough.
My time with God, however, has become a part of my routine. It gets cut short more often than not - I often don't get to finish the whole glass, so to speak. That is often the case with my actual glasses of water that I start and don't finish. Perhaps only now am I understanding why I chose what I did as a practice of discipline in this year of sabbath that we are observing as a church body. My practice is to sit with my cup of hot drink (whatever it be for the day) - and to stay sitting until it is done. Usually that time is spent reading, praying, writing...sometimes it involves some conversation...and often I fail to finish before I get up to attend to my other responsibilities. But still, as a discipline, it helps me to work toward receiving, partaking of all the nourishment I need for the day - and not cutting it short leaving myself in danger of running out of steam before the day's end.
So, I'm glad God loves me enough to take away the things threaten to take away my delight in the Lord. Even writing this today is fruit of God's tough-love for me.
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